his middle name. No explanation needed.
BOBBY VALENTINE. First stop, Barnes & Noble. I'm going to buy the former
Red Sox manager the book, "How To Win Friends And Influence People." Foreward
by Kevin Youkilis. Then for his long and lonely rides through Stamford, Ct., a
high-tech bicycle helmet equipped with a voice-activated texting device so he can
avoid crashing as he tries to make up with David Ortiz.
DANICA PATRICK. A trophy. Patrick needs one because she never wins anything.
She cashes plenty of checks that's to a large endorsement cache, but Patrick has become
racing's Anna Kournakova. All style, no substance, no wins.
GENERAL PETRAEUS. An industrial strength chain for his drone. At 60-years old,
it's still one of our country's most potent weapons. Like Kentucky Derby and Preakness
winner, "I'll Have Another", Petraeus was sent into early retirement, but with his pedigree,
he can charge exorbitant stud fees. Please contact Jill Kelley to make an appointment,
but please make sure to use your real e-mail address.
RICK REILLY. A "First on Twitter" Tweet board. The ESPN writer/reporter can now
keep track of all the stories he breaks (or steals) with this board, which comes complete
with an erasable magic marker. Also included on the board are the names of competitors
Buster Olyney, Adam Shefter, Chris Mortenson, and Ed Werder.
HOPE SOLO. A stun gun. The next time her husband, Jerramy Stevens, who broke out
a can of whoop-ass and tried to beat her up on the night before their "wedding", gets out
of control, which judging by his rap sheet, is quite often, she can stun him with her
new toy. Her brother used one on two men at a party the night Solo was assaulted, so she
was interested in getting one for herself.
MARYLAND AND THE MARLINS. 30,000 cardboard cut-outs disguised as fans.
The Terps are moving to the Big Ten and somehow convinced the conference they'll have
a sold out stadium every week. These should help. On one-side, the fans will be dressed
up in sweaters and parkas. On the other side, they'll wear tank tops and gold chains for
the hot weather in Miami's stadium, which doubles as an amusement park, perfect for a
franchise that has no clue as to what it's doing.
MELKY CABRERA. Thank you cards. After signing a 2-year, $16 million contract
with the Toronto Blue Jays this past week, the chemically enhanced outfielder should
thank everyone at Major League Baseball for having the silliest drug-testing policy in
the world. His failed test last August cost him 50-games, but didn't prevent him from
continuing his livelihood or making a ton of cash. OK, so it's not a ton of cash to
major league players, but it's still a helluva lot of money to you and me. The Melk Man
will soon be making promos for Major League Baseball, screaming at the top of his lungs,
"I LOVE THIS GAME!"
VINCE WILFORK. Legend has it, the Patriots behemoth nose tackle once ate 324
Twinkies in a single sitting when he was at, "The UUUUU". I'm going to buy 325 Twinkies
just so to watch him set a Guiness Book of World Record for eating the most Twinkies.
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