Back in the day, Mark Twain once said, "Truth is often stranger than fiction." And that was long
before PED's, the Internet, and million dollar endorsement deals. If the American author and
humorist was around for January of 2013, he might just say, WTF?
The first month of the new year was unlike anything the sports world has ever seen. Ever! I mean,
you couldn't make the stuff that happened up, unless of course, you had the twisted mind
(and sexuality) of Roniah Tuiasosopo.
The litany of weird and wild events seemed to be set ablaze when Brent Musburger drooled all over
himself when ESPN's cameras focused on Katherine Webb, the girlfriend, and probably soon to be
ex-girlfriend, of Alabama quarterback
AJ McCarron. Twitter, talk radio, and television agents went nuts. The former Alabama beauty
queen became an Internet sensation, leading to modeling contracts and a reality show in which
she'll dive half-naked into a swimming pool. Is this a great country or what?
After that, a tsunami of smut and sensational events flooded the sports world. Lance Armstrong
admitted he was a liar, but not a cheat, according to his interpretation of the word in the Webster's dictionary. I don't know which is more shocking, his
version of the word "cheater" or the fact he actually had a dictionary somewhere in his house.
Armstrong proceeded to lie about his lies to Oprah and looked like a squirrel in heat trying to avoid
a gunshot on the plains of Mississippi.
Then came the mother of all hoaxes, the Manti Te'o story, you know, the one where the dead
girlfriend didn't really exist. We all know about the names, the characters, and the 500 hours the
former Irish linebacker spent on the phone with a girl he'd never met.
Katie Couric landed the exclusive interview with the man who got duped by a girl named Lennay,
and even asked Manti, if he indeed, was really gay. It was truly, truly bizarre and unlike anything
we have ever seen. If and when it becomes a movie, I want Quentin Tarantino to be the director
because he is the only one who can do justice to this incredible mess.
As the month rolled past the mid-point, all the drama and theatrics continued to build. Bill Belichick
cried under his hoodie after losing to the Ravens and refused a post-game interview, which ignited
Sterling Sharpe of CBS, making it known that BB stands for "Big Baby."
Hall of Fame receiver Tim Brown threw his former coach under the bus and Jerry Rice was more
than happy to pile on. They both accused Bill Callahan of 'sabotoging' a Super Bowl 10 years ago,
so his friend and mentor, Jon Gruden, could hoist the Lombardi Trophy and flip off Al Davis and
his former team, the Oakland Raiders.
Things got interesting as PED's got pumped into the month. Ray Lewis, who was enjoying his swan
song, got hit by a sledgehammer with a report that he used Deer Antler Spray, to magically recover
from a torn tricep. That's right. Deer.Antler.Spray. The man who made over his image from thug to theologian, was scrambling to the sermon to find the right words to get out of this PED debacle.
On the same day that Lewis was wearing the deer antlers, A-Rod had egg smeared on his face
once again. A report surfaced out of Miami the Yankees slugger was among several players who had purchased PED's from an anti-aging clinic. A-Rod? Alex? Hello?
If things this month weren't bizarre enough, Kwame Harris made sure the National Enquirer would
come a calling. The former San Francisco 49er was arrested for allegedly beating up his ex-lover,
who just happened to be another guy.
According to police reports, an argument began over spilled soy sauce while the couple ate at a
restaurant. They stepped outside where Harris, allegedly tried to pull down the pants of his
ex-partner and attemped to steal his underwear. What in the name of Deer Antler Spray is going
on here?!!!!
And the very next day, current 49er Chris Culliver told the media in New Orleans that he wouldn't
want an openly game teammate in the locker room. Uh-oh! Culliver was scolded by management
and not surprisingly, offered up an apology the very next day.
Almost fittingly, on the last day of the month, the New York Post reveals than Dan Marino, the Hall
of Famer and NFL anaylst, had a love child with a former production assistant at CBS Sports.
She was 35-years old at the time. Now, that's what you call a production assistant.
According to the Chinese calander, 2013 is the year of the snake. If January is any indication of things
to come, that could be a fitting description for the characters in the sports world.
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