Even in this OMG, LOL text-crazed world, there are very few things that genuinely make
me laugh out loud. Oh, sure, there will be an occasional skit on "SNL" that will cause me to
roar, (That one about "50 Shades of Gray" was pretty hysterical) but there isn't a whole lot
of funny going on in our society, especially with the state of the economy and the way our
country is being run today.
However, I got a big laugh out of reading that Albert Belle wants a shot at managing the
Cleveland Indians. It was so funny, I had to read it again. I mean, everybody in baseball knows
how ludicrous this scenario is. This has absolutely no chance of happening and would be a
bigger disaster than Bobby Valentine's one-year stint with the Red Sox.
Oh, I'm sure Albert Belle really knows baseball (Just like Bobby V) and what he
accomplished in the game is truly impressive. In his 12-year career with the Indians, Orioles,
and White Sox, Belle's average season was .295 40 HR's and 130 RBI's. That should
equal a first-ballot Hall of Famer, but Belle has as much of a chance of being immortalized in
Cooperstown as I do. He was the most hated and loathed man in baseball during his career.
The media couldn't stand him, teammates were scared of him, and children in the Cleveland
who ventured out to trick-or-treat on Halloween were never safe. You remember the time
when he tried to run over a bunch of kids who were trying to hawk some candy, don't you?
In short, Albert Belle was a bad, bad guy.
Belle asking the Indians to interview for their managing position is akin to Tiger Woods
running seminars on how to stay faithful in your marriage or New Jersey Governor Chris
Christie being named to the Presidential Council of Fitness. Flat out hilarious. Can you imagine
the interview between Belle and Indians General Manager Chris Antonetti? I bet it'd go
something like this:
ANTONETTI: So Albert, can you give me an example of your communication skills
and how they would be employed when managing a baseball team?
BELLE: Well, Chris, I prefer to walk tall and carry a big stick. You remember the time
when I smashed the thermostat in the clubhouse? I liked the clubhouse ice cold and Carlos
Baerga kept turning the thermostat up to 78 degrees. I kept turning it back to down 62.
I was really just trying to save the organization some money. Well, after about the third time
Baerga fooled with it, I just took my Louisville Slugger and went all postal on it. I didn't
confront Carlos, I just sent him and the rest of the team a message without a confrontation.
I guess they got the picture. That's leadership, that's real communication.
ANTONETTI: I see. Very interesting. How would you deal with the media if you were
the manager of Indians, Albert?
BELLE: I would take the pressure off my players by putting the attention on myself, just
like I did when I was in the major leagues. Remember when Hannah Storm tried to interview
me in the dugout before a playoff game one year? I almost shoved that microphone down her
throat. It was a trip. But I was trying to take the pressure off my teammates who were so
tight, you couldn't squeeze a greased wire into any orifice on their bodies. That was all planned
by me. I wanted to be the bad guy so my teammates could just go out and play. It'd be the
same way if I were the manager. If we're struggling and Buster Olney tries to ask me a stupid
question, I'll rip the little dude in half. That's how it works. Are you down with that?
ANTONETTI: Albert, there are going to be a lot of tough times as we rebuild the organization.
The fans are angry and they could be tough on you. They could call you names and heckle you.
In 1991, you threw a ball at a fan and hit him in the chest. Would you act differently if you
were the manager of the Indians?
BELLE: Hell, yeah! I'd aim higher and hit that sucker right between the eyes. Screw him.
He thinks just because he pays for a ticket, he thinks he can rip me apart. All fans are fair
game. I've been working with throwing specialist Tom House on my accuracy. Next time that
happens, the guy is a dead man."
ANTONETTI: OK, Albert, that about covers it for the day. You can go back to Shreveport,
stalk your girlfriend, and get ready for Halloween as it's just around the corner. And that gray
is coming in fast, "Just for Men" is an option. And remember, don't call us, we will call you.
Thanks, Joey, um, I mean, Albert.
So go ahead, LOL, this one's on Albert Belle.
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